LIVING IN NOSTALGIA

Do you have these moments when you simply miss the old version of yourself? I don't know how and why, but for the past 4-5 months, I have been constantly missing the old me. The Aashima I was before 2017. In fact, the entire 2016 is so fresh in my mind. I had 2 weddings in the family in the first half of the year, I got into my dream college for my master's, I  travelled solo for the first time in my life that too to the south of India (twice), felt those butterflies twice( basically, had two flings, almost), almost kissed my best friend, had my heart broken like never before (by not one, but two boys), was lied to and finally got to know what having trust issues meant. I had a blast that year!!

If someone tells me to give some advice to my younger self, I'd probably say that she doesn't need any. As a matter of fact, the present me needs a lot of counselling for being the over-anxious self. The life I have lived from the 17th to the 23rd year of my life has been the best phase of my life. I was such an expressive, outspoken; over-emotional girl, and now, I look at myself and I don't seem to recognize myself. All those quotes about "I am in love with the woman I am becoming" might be true in a practical way because, of course, I have learnt many valuable lessons in this journey and I have become cautious and selective of the people around me but I miss being the regret-less Aashima I once was. Even though people were using me, even though my heart kept getting broken I was enjoying all the raw feelings, now, suddenly I miss that. Today, I might be a lot wiser, not so gullible and a headstrong woman, but I still want to be able to experience all those raw emotions wholly. Those butterflies I used to have in my stomach when I had a crush on someone and he would text me something charming, at 27 I just do not have those butterflies left in my system anymore. Today, I just smile if someone gives me a compliment and later contemplate if it was a genuine and heartfelt compliment or if someone was just "being sweet". These trust issues and this feeling of being a grown-up is just not settling well with me. Everybody around me is so busy with their jobs or getting married that I have started to live my life in a very different way than I used to and than the way I knew. Today, I am learning how to be alone, having no one to laugh with on a regular basis or sharing those thoughts of self-doubt.

 I was 14 when I became friends with my ex guy best friend. From 14 to 23 we were the best friends who were on call all day, sharing every detail of our lives. He messed up and we parted ways and then within 2 months, I became friends with a very sweet classmate who later became my boyfriend for legit 3 years. The moral of the story is that I always had someone to talk to and share my feelings with, someone to validate my feelings; to make me feel wanted and special. But now that I am single at 27, for the first time in my life I have no one to talk to daily, no one to even wish me good luck for my exam and honestly it feels weird. It seems I  have never been this type of lonely ever and now when I am, I miss myself or I miss the companionship, I really don't know, even after spending so much time alone, introspecting, I haven't reached to any conclusion. All I know is, I  pray every day to god to make me that carefree, loving and selfless girl I once was, I really want to put my guard down and leave my defence mechanism at home for some time and indulge in that selfless kind of loving. But sadly, I know it is next to impossible now, because even if I become that extra loving person one day, how will I unsee how self-involved and unbothered everyone is; how, I, am not their priority when they are mine. All these things didn't matter to me when I was younger, but they certainly do now.

As much as I am proud of the wise and practical woman I have become who cannot be manipulated easily or who can prioritize people according to their behaviour, I miss being able to feel raw emotions. They say always keep the child-like love in you alive, I guess never having those feelings reciprocated makes you question your own love and eventually lose your selfless, loving self to this world.